IF I WERE TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN

I have watched so many beauty pageants in which contestants have been asked, “If you were to live your life again, would you be the same or would you change things?” If I were under this circumstance, what could have been my response?

I am no beauty queen. Never did I imagine myself being one.

As I began to review the past, it is then that I realized the word “regret.” I could have collected thoughts of happiness though. But if one is perturbed by snags, the heart is wounded no matter how encouraging people are. “Things of the past should be forgotten. It is time to move on.”

As I dig into the depth of my loneliness, I felt the grief of looking into my mother’s lifeless body, dressed in all white. I looked at her; never blinked, imagined that she was just sleeping soundly. But as they carry the casket, as I hear weeping from the crowd, the truth dawned on me.

I shall never see my mother again. Never.

I visited her in the hospital Saturday night. She was so insistent that she has to go home, that she’s fine. I tucked myself on her side as we recounted stories of her grandchildren. She tried concealing her sadness, but I could feel that she already had a premonition of her death. I cleaned her ears, her arms, changed her clothes, combed her hair, put powder at her back, then kissed her before I left.

I knew that I will still be seeing her the next visit. I was wrong. She died the next day.

My heart bled badly when I saw her body being carried to the crematorium. I was trying to wake myself from a nightmare, from a dream. But it was reality. A painful reality.

If only I had known that she would be gone that early, I should have given her all the happiness. She wanted to visit Singapore soon as she retires. She turned 60 six months after she died. She was denied of the material wealth. Her entire life was all for her children and grandchildren. Those were her treasures.

My mom never missed any of my graduation days, from Preparatory to Ph.D. She was the proudest of all when I received my diplomas or my awards. She was also the first to rescue me in moments of desolation. In triumphs and pains, she was my shelter.

REGRETS. Yes, if I were to live my life again, I would give the world to my mom. She should have enjoyed life. I should have laughed with her more or cried with her the most.

I envy families with their moms still alive. But more than the envy is disdain. My heart cries for mothers who shed tears on their not-so-good brood. I was not perfect either. I was also guilty of inflicting pain to the woman who carried me in her womb for nine months, loved me, took care of me. But much as I wanted to show her I’ve changed, she’s gone forever.

Why is it that we only realize the value of someone when he/she is gone? We ignore, we play deaf, we care not. Why can’t we come to our senses that life’s end is not ours to decide. Sooner or later, death will snatch them from us.

Why can’t we appreciate them while they are still alive? Why can’t we show them the same love they’re showing us while they can still feel it, see it? Do our parents really need to sacrifice for us to come to a realization that they’ve done much and yet we did so little?

I saw how helpless, how difficult it was for my siblings and my father not having “Nanay” at home. Tatay would lock himself alone in the house, in darkness; hoping that Nanay would “talk” to him.

I lost a limb. My mom was my source of strength. She was my shelter.

With mom gone, I now became their SHELTER. Thus, I need to be strong. I learned this from my mother.

Plants may wither. Years would pass. But the pain of losing someone you really love remains as painful as it is. Tears still roll. I still call my mother during those times that I was almost giving up. My heart still grieves.

If I could only live my life again….

PARA KAY NANAY ( Ode to my Mom)

Hindi biro ang mag dala ng bata sa sinapupunan ng siyam na buwan..
Inalagaan ko ang aking sarili sapagkat sa akin nakasalalay ang buhay mo.
Makalipas ang mga buwan, malalagay ang isang paa ko sa hukay
Darating na ang araw na ang sanggol na iniingatan, IKAW yun, ay akin nang iluluwal.

Aarugain KITA sa lahat ng aking makakaya at sa lahat ng aking lakas
Hindi ko alintana ang dibdib na papangit sapagkat alam kong kelangan MO ng gatas ng ina
Ang gabi-gabing pagpupuyat sa paghehele, pagkanta, pagsayaw, minsan paghahalu-haluin ko pa
Minsan din yukyuk na ulo sa antok kasi ayaw naman ayaw MO pang matulog..

Ang panandalian nating paghihiwalay dahil sa ako’y nasa trabaho ay malaking bigat sa dibdib ko
Mahirap mawalay kahit sandali dahil hindi ko makikita ang iyong mumunting pagtawa, ang pag ngiti mo,
Pag uwi ko, gusto ko’y kalong ka agad, akap, titignan ang mukhang nakakapalis ng pagod
Hahagudin ang iyong pisnging kay lambot, matang kay lamlam.. gutom ko ay akin nang limot..

Sa mga panahon na ikaw ay may sakit, nais koy umiyak at akuin ang iyong nararamdaman
Hindi bale ng ako na lang, wag lang ikaw. Hindi ko kayang makita kang nahihirapan.
Babantayan kita sa iyong pagtulog. Hindi bale ng ako’y mapuyat
Gusto ko lamang ay ligtas ka, makakatulog ka ng tahimik at sapat.

Sa iyong paglaki, madami ka nang makakasalamuha, makikita, maririnig, malalaman.
Tangi ko lamang dasal, gabayan ka ng Diyos araw-araw, ika’y ingatan at huwag kang masaktan
Hindi mo man nais na nandiyan ako lagi sa iyong tabi sapagkat sabi mo ay MALAKI KA NA
Dala-dala mo ang puso ko, ang pag-aalala sa tuwing aalis ka, lalabas, kasama ang iba.

Sa bawat dagok na darating sa iyong buhay, bukod sa iyo, ako ang mas masasaktan
Sapagkat ikaw ay galing sa akin, laman ng aking laman, nabuo ka sa aking pagmamahal
Sa bawat agos ng luha sa iyong malamlam na mata ay parang tinatarakan ang puso ko
Hindi ko kayang makita na ikaw na iningatan ko ay paiiyakin lamang ng iba.

Ang pag-aaral mo ay igagapang ko. Maghirap man ako ay magtatapos ka sa kolehiyo.
Lahat ng pinagpapaguran ko ay para sa iyo, para sa kinabukasan mo.
Nais kong bago ako lumisan sa mundong ito, mapanatag ang loob ko
Na ang anak na iiwan ko, makakatayo sa sariling paa, may mapapatunayan sa tao.


Hindi mo man sabihin palagi na mahal mo ako, sapat ng minsan ay inaakap mo ako
Hindi mo man maalala ang regalo ko sa kaarawan ko, sapat ng sa aking batiin mo ako.
Hindi mo man ako alagaan sa panahon na ako ay may karamdaman, sapat ng bilhan ako ng gamot.
Hindi mo man ako tulungan sa gawaing bahay, sapat ng makita kitang huwag napapagod.

Huwag nating isantabi lamang ang ating INA.
Iba ang papel na ginagampanan niya sa buhay natin
Magagalit ang mundo, ang lahat ng tao sa ginawa mo
ANG INA ang matitirang kakampi mo, nandiyan sa tabi mo.

Habang nandiyan, habang nabubuhay pa, iparadam mo sa kanya
Mahalin mo siya at magpasalamat ka
Kung hindi ka niya inaruga at iningatan
Makikita mo ba ngayon ang mundong iyong ginagalawan?

Ganyan ang pagmamahal ng isang ina..
Wag kang maging bulag, pipi, at bingi sa paghihirap nya.
Balang araw kukunin siya ng Diyos at ilalayo sa iyo
Tanong: HANDA KA BANG WALA SIYA SA PILING MO?

Ako ay isang Ina..
Pumanaw naman na ang aking INA.
Hindi man sabihin, ang pagmamahal ko sa aking mga anak
Isang patunay na naging mabuti siyang Ina at napakagandang halimbawa.

Para sa iyo ito Nanay, Gng. TERESITA DALERE-MANABAT.
Isang mabait at matiising asawa, isang masipag at dedikadong guro,
Higit sa lahat
Isang napakabuting Ina...