IF I WERE TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN

I have watched so many beauty pageants in which contestants have been asked, “If you were to live your life again, would you be the same or would you change things?” If I were under this circumstance, what could have been my response?

I am no beauty queen. Never did I imagine myself being one.

As I began to review the past, it is then that I realized the word “regret.” I could have collected thoughts of happiness though. But if one is perturbed by snags, the heart is wounded no matter how encouraging people are. “Things of the past should be forgotten. It is time to move on.”

As I dig into the depth of my loneliness, I felt the grief of looking into my mother’s lifeless body, dressed in all white. I looked at her; never blinked, imagined that she was just sleeping soundly. But as they carry the casket, as I hear weeping from the crowd, the truth dawned on me.

I shall never see my mother again. Never.

I visited her in the hospital Saturday night. She was so insistent that she has to go home, that she’s fine. I tucked myself on her side as we recounted stories of her grandchildren. She tried concealing her sadness, but I could feel that she already had a premonition of her death. I cleaned her ears, her arms, changed her clothes, combed her hair, put powder at her back, then kissed her before I left.

I knew that I will still be seeing her the next visit. I was wrong. She died the next day.

My heart bled badly when I saw her body being carried to the crematorium. I was trying to wake myself from a nightmare, from a dream. But it was reality. A painful reality.

If only I had known that she would be gone that early, I should have given her all the happiness. She wanted to visit Singapore soon as she retires. She turned 60 six months after she died. She was denied of the material wealth. Her entire life was all for her children and grandchildren. Those were her treasures.

My mom never missed any of my graduation days, from Preparatory to Ph.D. She was the proudest of all when I received my diplomas or my awards. She was also the first to rescue me in moments of desolation. In triumphs and pains, she was my shelter.

REGRETS. Yes, if I were to live my life again, I would give the world to my mom. She should have enjoyed life. I should have laughed with her more or cried with her the most.

I envy families with their moms still alive. But more than the envy is disdain. My heart cries for mothers who shed tears on their not-so-good brood. I was not perfect either. I was also guilty of inflicting pain to the woman who carried me in her womb for nine months, loved me, took care of me. But much as I wanted to show her I’ve changed, she’s gone forever.

Why is it that we only realize the value of someone when he/she is gone? We ignore, we play deaf, we care not. Why can’t we come to our senses that life’s end is not ours to decide. Sooner or later, death will snatch them from us.

Why can’t we appreciate them while they are still alive? Why can’t we show them the same love they’re showing us while they can still feel it, see it? Do our parents really need to sacrifice for us to come to a realization that they’ve done much and yet we did so little?

I saw how helpless, how difficult it was for my siblings and my father not having “Nanay” at home. Tatay would lock himself alone in the house, in darkness; hoping that Nanay would “talk” to him.

I lost a limb. My mom was my source of strength. She was my shelter.

With mom gone, I now became their SHELTER. Thus, I need to be strong. I learned this from my mother.

Plants may wither. Years would pass. But the pain of losing someone you really love remains as painful as it is. Tears still roll. I still call my mother during those times that I was almost giving up. My heart still grieves.

If I could only live my life again….

BUHAY PAG-IBIG

Pinagkumpol kumpol na saloobin ng mga iniwan, nang iwan, nanloko, naloko, nagmahal, minahal, mga buhay at malapit nang mawalan ng buhay.. Mula sa mga malikhaing isip ng mga ndi natutulog dahil sa kaka internet.. BASAHIN at sabihin mong HINDI IKAW ITO.. :-)

Yung ibang tao, naiinggit. Wala kasing nagmamahal sa kanila. Yung iba naman, tatanga-tanga! Minamahal na nga nang todo, binabalewala lang! Alam mo, swerte ka sana kaso tatanga-tanga lang!

Minsan na kong nagmahal, minsan na kong naloko. Minsan na nga lang,naagaw pa! Pero di bale! Mas bagay naman sila, eh. Isang basura, isang basurera. Perfect match, diba?

Nung iniwan mo ko, ikaw ang sinisi ko kung bakit ako lubos na nasaktan. Mahal kasi kita pero di mo ko maintindihan. Ngayon salamat,ha? Kasi kung di mo ko iniwan, hindi ko siya matatagpuan.

Sometimes you tend to be in despair when your loved one doesn't love you back. But don't worry, don't cry much. Just close your eyes and whisper, "Mahal din ako nun. Pakipot lang."

When you ran, I chased you.. You told me to stop following you. When I stopped, you got mad! Aminin mo na. In love ka rin sa kin, no?

If you ever find someone better, funnier or nicer than me, go ahead, hindi kita pipigilan. Pero pag iniwan ka ng gagong yun, tingin ka lang sa likod mo. Nandun ako, nang-aasar sayo, "Better than me pala, ha?"

Lagi ka na lang may rason. Nakalimutan mong tumawag, nakalimutan mong magtext, nakalimutan mong magpaalam. Pero ingat ka, ha? Baka pag naalala mong mahal mo ko, nakalimutan na kita.

Pag nakita mo na masaya ang mahal mo sa piling ng iba, wag kang malungkot o umiyak. Isipin mo na lang na masaya siya dahil mukhang clown ang kasama niya.

If I see you flirting with others, I won't cry. Instead I'll stand in front of you, chin up, stomach in, chest out at sabay sabi, "Mas masarap akong magmahal diyan. Sana wag mong pagsisihan!"

Kapag ikaw ang iniyakan ng lalaki, ang swerte mo dahil mahal ka nga niya! Pero pag ikaw ang umiyak dahil lang sa kanya, di ka lang malas, tanga ka pa! Lalaki lang yan, pwede ba?

Minsan lang magmahal ang pusong tanga. Niloko pa! Subukan kaya niya ang magmahal at lokohin din siya? Nang masabi niyang,"GOSH! Masakit pala!"

Nagkita kami ng ex mo kanina. Nalaman niyang tayo na. Pinagmasdan niya ko at bigla siyang tumawa. Sabay sabi, "Pang-ilan ka? Ako kasi yung una!" Sagot ko, "Una ka nga, ako naman ang last niya!"

When you love, don't give your 100%. Leave at least 70% for yourself so if ever he'll hurt you, you could still stand up to him and say, "Wala na bang mas sasakit pa diyan? Sus, walang kwenta!"

If someone leaves you, don't dare cry. Just smile and be happy. Pero bago mo siya tuluyang palayain, ibulong mo to sa kanya, "Maganda ako. Pasalamat ka pinatulan kita!"

Before, hinahabol kita pero di mo ako pinapansin. Tapos isang araw nawala ako, hinanap mo ako at tinanong, "Bakit ka nagsawa?" Ngumiti ako, "Hindi ako nagsawa. Natauhan lang."

Pwede mo kong lokohin pero wag kang magpapahuli sakin. Pwede mo kong palitan pero siguraduhin mong mas mahal mo siya sakin. Pwede mo kong iwan pero siguraduhin mong kaya mo. Kasi pag ako sobrang nasaktan,wala ka nang babalikan.

Boys? Pag trip ka, magpapakilala. Kaibigan kuno hanggang pumorma na. Tapos pag nahulog ka na, ayun, goodbye na dahil sawa na sila. Pero dapat walang iiyak ha dahil ..... anong silbi ng karma?

I fell in love and got hurt but I didn't shed too much tears nor did I ask him to love me again. Instead, I stood up proudly and said, "Ganyan talaga ang magaganda! Hindi bagay sa tanga!"

Simple lang para hindi ka masaktan. Kapag minahal ka, mahalin mo din. Kapag ginago ka, gaguhin mo rin. Pero kapag umiyak ka, tanga ka! Ginago ka na nga, iiyakan mo pa?

OF LOVE and SANITY

Intelligent minds with vulnerable hearts…

During life’s most depressing moments, the artist’s craftsmanship in words and in expressing his thoughts rises.. It is the time where he pulls from within all his emotions.. his anguish.. his fears…his hatred…

We’re not given problems we can not handle… an optimistic retaliation to life’s intricacies. Truth is, heart is so vulnerable… It could easily succumb to blows… especially if it attacks people you love… people you cared for..

When one falls in love, he never asks for more than what the other person could give. He contends himself to giving and never asking for anything in return.. It’s just love… one doesn’t ask for it… it has to be freely given …not demanded..

But what if it is neither? How should one feel if love is never returned? Should he continue on loving? On caring? On giving everything?

Sometimes, I wonder if love is really love… it has to be an inspiration… it should make one on feet and give him the courage to baffle life’s setbacks… But what if it is love itself that slowly decaying one’s sanity?

The mind is placed above the heart for it to rule over the latter… One should never be overcome by what he feels.. by his emotions… he must think of what is right.. of what should be.. True, but it is easier said than done…

Reasons diminish if one is pressed down the floor… He seeks no more for friends… he wallows in tears alone… the walls are his silent listener…

He finds comfort in solitude… in darkness… for it is only then that he could cry out loud and tell the world his cruelty… People care less… they care not.. That is the most hurting reality….

People would always give reasons for their wrongdoings… shallow… pretentious.. in an attempt to throwback the blames.. It is just that, they are too insensitive of what one feels that they assume emotions to be an exaggeration.

Writing has always been my refuge… It is here where I put all.. where I give all.. where I tell the world how painful it is living with people who do not return love given to them…

Life is indeed complicated… a lot of unanswered questions … One should learn how to defy it.. Otherwise, one would choose to take his life and leave rather than be hurt…

As I pause, it is then I would collect the pains I’ve been through… But I am still here… alive… telling what my heart feels… then tears will again start rolling down my deep eyes… I am hurt… really hurt… but have always prayed for serenity… for the calmness of my spirit.. for the refuge of my soul…

I will never stop loving… hence, I will continue writing…