IF I WERE TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN

I have watched so many beauty pageants in which contestants have been asked, “If you were to live your life again, would you be the same or would you change things?” If I were under this circumstance, what could have been my response?

I am no beauty queen. Never did I imagine myself being one.

As I began to review the past, it is then that I realized the word “regret.” I could have collected thoughts of happiness though. But if one is perturbed by snags, the heart is wounded no matter how encouraging people are. “Things of the past should be forgotten. It is time to move on.”

As I dig into the depth of my loneliness, I felt the grief of looking into my mother’s lifeless body, dressed in all white. I looked at her; never blinked, imagined that she was just sleeping soundly. But as they carry the casket, as I hear weeping from the crowd, the truth dawned on me.

I shall never see my mother again. Never.

I visited her in the hospital Saturday night. She was so insistent that she has to go home, that she’s fine. I tucked myself on her side as we recounted stories of her grandchildren. She tried concealing her sadness, but I could feel that she already had a premonition of her death. I cleaned her ears, her arms, changed her clothes, combed her hair, put powder at her back, then kissed her before I left.

I knew that I will still be seeing her the next visit. I was wrong. She died the next day.

My heart bled badly when I saw her body being carried to the crematorium. I was trying to wake myself from a nightmare, from a dream. But it was reality. A painful reality.

If only I had known that she would be gone that early, I should have given her all the happiness. She wanted to visit Singapore soon as she retires. She turned 60 six months after she died. She was denied of the material wealth. Her entire life was all for her children and grandchildren. Those were her treasures.

My mom never missed any of my graduation days, from Preparatory to Ph.D. She was the proudest of all when I received my diplomas or my awards. She was also the first to rescue me in moments of desolation. In triumphs and pains, she was my shelter.

REGRETS. Yes, if I were to live my life again, I would give the world to my mom. She should have enjoyed life. I should have laughed with her more or cried with her the most.

I envy families with their moms still alive. But more than the envy is disdain. My heart cries for mothers who shed tears on their not-so-good brood. I was not perfect either. I was also guilty of inflicting pain to the woman who carried me in her womb for nine months, loved me, took care of me. But much as I wanted to show her I’ve changed, she’s gone forever.

Why is it that we only realize the value of someone when he/she is gone? We ignore, we play deaf, we care not. Why can’t we come to our senses that life’s end is not ours to decide. Sooner or later, death will snatch them from us.

Why can’t we appreciate them while they are still alive? Why can’t we show them the same love they’re showing us while they can still feel it, see it? Do our parents really need to sacrifice for us to come to a realization that they’ve done much and yet we did so little?

I saw how helpless, how difficult it was for my siblings and my father not having “Nanay” at home. Tatay would lock himself alone in the house, in darkness; hoping that Nanay would “talk” to him.

I lost a limb. My mom was my source of strength. She was my shelter.

With mom gone, I now became their SHELTER. Thus, I need to be strong. I learned this from my mother.

Plants may wither. Years would pass. But the pain of losing someone you really love remains as painful as it is. Tears still roll. I still call my mother during those times that I was almost giving up. My heart still grieves.

If I could only live my life again….

WHEN YOU’RE HOME 24/7

December 27 to present. It’s been three weeks since I had the taste of beating the time for my log-in and counting minutes and hours waiting for the end my shift. Now, I get the feel of what they call “full time mom.”

For 15 years that I have worked, never was there a long-term vacation. The longest of which was the 2-week Christmas break. Three weeks is like three years when you’re home. You could feel the movement of the second hand of the clock; you could watch all TV programs from sun-up till sun-down; you see vehicles passing, and at the very least be able to count them (^_^); you get to know the names of your neighbors who also stay home; you’re able to visit the sari-sari stores and buy yourself something to keep you awake and alive; you wash dishes, clean the house, feed the dog and bathe him, wash and iron the clothes, cook – from breakfast to dinner- for your kids and hubby; and lastly, bade them goodbye when they go to school or work and watch the clock every now and then to see what time they’ll be home.

I have come to realize the value of time and patience.

But on the other hand, greater is the happiness and fulfillment brought by staying home and working as full time mom. I personally take care of my three-month old son, which I failed to do in my first three kids when they were still babies.

House was topsy-turvy when I was still working. Stuffs were placed anywhere that no one could recall locations when things were needed. Now that I am home, I make it a point to organize things. I know what my kids are into when they start watching TV.

Tell you, we’re all gathered up in front of our overly used LCD TV at 6:45 P.M. every day and at 5:00 P.M. every Saturday to watch Willing Willie and at 8:00 P.M. , Channel 7, the fantaserye - -Dwarfina.

There is one thing though that I lose track off when I am home – the DATE. I’ll just be reminded when I receive my bills. Oh, it’s paying time!

Sometimes, frustration creeps because I miss the old work, the job. If the others are working, why am I home? But as I look at the brighter side of life, it is then that I would realize that I get to enjoy a lot of things which others do not. Let me just cite a few:
a. It’s a vacation and a rest for me. I get to enjoy the results of my stinginess. I have saved some pennies and dimes when I was still working so I’ll have a thread to pull in case I need finances. NOW IS THE TIME! ^_^
b. No pressures!!!
c. I could attend to my kids’ needs. Do things for them.
d. I’ll be able to enjoy the moments with my 3-month old baby.
e. I could cook for them and do other household chores.
f. My house is no longer chaotic. Things are slowly being put into proper places.
g. Kids are doing their assignments religiously.
h. I could eat anytime, that’s why I am really GROWING!
i. I could be online 24/7. Yehey!!

Few months from now, I will again face another battleground. My respite from the academe will provide me the renewed strength and enthusiasm so I’ll be able to provide quality teaching to my new students regardless of how they look, how they smell, where they live, and what they know.

Though I am not a productive tax-paying citizen now, at least I get to experience the luxury of time, the freedom from deadlines, the happiness of being with my kids and my hubby. Those things are non-compensable.

My kids will only be young once. Sooner they will grow and live on their own. Who knows, they might not have the time for me when that comes.

So, let me give them the time and the attention while they still need it.

Let me enjoy the bliss of motherhood.